Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”