“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse