“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ready to be harvested
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.