Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
You Might Also Like
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Well, this explains it:
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?