People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I wish this was real life…
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?