The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
We have a winner.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.