[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
🤣🤣💀
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Good dog. ❤️
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
When they try to steal your moment.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.