My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
sleeping beauty
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar