This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I’m having an out of money experience.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I support this random dude and all his protests
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.