A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
wish me luck lads
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”