[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related