Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.