my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I just ran a .003048K
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
All. The. Damn. Time.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.