I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Basically.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.