I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.