My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I am HOWLING at this
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*jingles half the way*
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler