I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me trying to “trust the process”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
inside you are two wolves
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.