Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.