Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
You Might Also Like
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true