me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
$3 #books
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
opening twitter today
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.