[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
🍞🦆
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
This trial is so absurd 😭
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
January has been Januweary
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.