No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower