I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Sign of the day..
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*