When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.