On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning