I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Not all heroes wear capes…
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?