*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?