boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.