[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜