Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
2023 was just a warmup
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I feel seen.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.