Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
You Might Also Like
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*gets down on one knee*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.