People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life