I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.