Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.