Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?