You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”