Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You Might Also Like
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake