At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You Might Also Like
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.