Death certificates are our last participation award.
You Might Also Like
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
(more comics:
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end