Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.