I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it