professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*