To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.