if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
yea so i messed up lol
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
concern
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.