I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.