There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
#parenting
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.