The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
You Might Also Like
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit