Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.