A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator