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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.